Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go
by Gerkyhen
Summary: Had lack of logic taken over the world? Shizune was convinced it had, and it had affected Lady Tsunade the worst. The Akatsuki? Training young Leaf Ninja? WHAT? Cracky AR. R&R. Hiatus is finished! Wooo!
1. Chapter 1

Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 1

"It's a good idea."

"No it isn't! It's…it's a terrible idea! In fact, it's the worst idea ever."

"It's a **good** idea."

Apparently arguing with Lady Tsunade was fruitless; the busty woman was fixated on her new plan…her essentially suicidal plan. However, Shizune wasn't one to give up, especially when it came to matters such as life and death, and so she persisted.

"Master Jiraiya," she turned to the white-haired man currently crouching on the window sill, a look of hope in her eyes. "**Please **tell the Hokage that this is a bad idea."

Jiraiya looked at Shizune and then looked over to Tsunade, who was refusing to look at them; her arms were crossed defiantly over her chest, her chin in the air with her eyes closed.

"It's a good idea." he stated.

A vein popped up on Shizune's forehead as she tried to contain her rage. "Master Jiraiya!" she exploded. "The Akatsuki are a criminal faction! Even if they agreed to this plan they could simply slaughter the youngsters as soon as they saw fit!"

Tsunade huffed loudly. "But it is the perfect opportunity to understand the way the Akatsuki work!"

"You just ignored everything I just said!" Shizune accused.

Had lack of logic taken over the world? Shizune was convinced it had, and it had affected Lady Tsunade the worst. Tsunade's plan was ridiculous; she planned to contact the Akatsuki and ask them if they would be willing to tutor some of the younger ninjas, from the leaf village, each, once a week. The very idea made Shizune woozy.

"It's happening Shizune, the Kazekage has already agreed to it!" Tsunade roared, launching up from behind her desk and glowering at her aide. "Now," she calmed slightly and dusted herself down. "Send a messenger hawk to Orochimaru-"

"**Orochimaru**?" Shizune repeated disbelief wildly evident in her tone. "What does he have to do with anything? What are you thinking Lady Tsunade?"

"Get the messenger hawk prepared." Tsunade replied, her mouth a grim line.

* * *

><p>A few days later, the Akatsuki were gathered around a long, stone table; Pein seated at the head of it.<p>

"We're doing it." he declared, his authorative voice ringing out and echoing around the cavernous hideout.

"Whaaaaaaatttt?" Hidan leapt out of his seat, his face a picture of disbelief.

"We're doing it," Pein repeated. "It is the perfect opportunity to gain their trust."

"But we'll slaughter them on the first day right?" Hidan pressed eagerly. "We're not **actually **expected to **teach** them?"

Konan and Pein exchanged a look and then Pein spoke once more. "We are going to strike when they least expect it, when their guard is down…"

"So basically, what you're saying is: yes. We **do** have to teach them hm." Deidara interjected.

"That's correct." Konan nodded.

"When will we meet our new students?" Itachi enquired quietly.

"We have their pictures here," Zetsu announced, emerging next to Pein. _"They've all already been assigned. So no whining." _Black Zetsu added.

"Let me guess," Hidan snarled. "Daffodil here doesn't have to take part in this piece of shit 'experience'?"

Zetsu glowered at the silver haired man, looking affronted, but Pein intervened.

"Zetsu will be needed to maintain communication at all times." he declared in his usual monotone.

"Well come on then," Sasori sighed, his head in his hand. "You're taking all day. Let's see our new students."

Zetsu nodded and then began distributing the pictures of the students the Akatsuki were supposed to take on. These elicited a different variety of reactions.

"Why does one of my students have freaky eyes hm?" Deidara questioned, tipping the picture of Rock-Lee to the side and squinting as he examined him.

"Why is mine wearing make-up?" Sasori added, staring down at Kankuro's –grumpy looking- photo.

"Is that…" Kisame leant over Itachi to gaze at his partner's new students. "Is that **Sasuke**?"

"Yes," Itachi replied. "Apparently Orochimaru has been convinced to join this endeavour too."

Pein looked about to reply, but he was interrupted by Hidan's loud cackle, as the Jashinist had finally spotted Lee's picture, lying in front of Deidara, on the table.

"What's wrong with that guy's eyebrows?" he guffawed, apparently finding it hard to speak as tears started protruding from his eyes. "Oh my Jashin, look at him! That's fucking hilarious man!"

Deidara grabbed up the picture of his new student, apparently quite defensive, and glowered at the bigger Akatsuki member.

"Well what do your students look like yeah?" he returned indignantly.

Hidan glanced down at his two new students with a cocky smirk. "One of mine's quite hot actually," he remarked. "I wouldn't mind teaching her a few things."

Kakuzu glanced over at his partner's pictures to look at the blonde girl Hidan was currently gazing at.

"She looks about twelve…" he stated.

Hidan glowered at him. "Like fuck she does!" he spat back.

Kakuzu lowered his brow for a few seconds then yanked up the picture of Ino. He held it up so everybody could see. "She looks about twelve." he repeated.

"Forget looking about twelve," Sasori murmured a small smirk forming on his lips. "She looks like the female version of Deidara."

"Shut up Sasori!" Deidara returned angrily, he glanced at the picture and then blanched.

"Doesn't that mean…" Kisame began slowly a grin stretching across his mouth. "That Hidan would find Deidara hot if he were a girl?"

"NO!" Deidara and Hidan shouted at the same time.

As the majority of the Akatsuki began laughing, Itachi intervened.

"Regardless of what she looks like," he cut in smoothly. "She is very young. She's the same age as my brother."

"I don't give a fuck." Hidan retorted.

Konan sighed and the Jashinist turned to look at her. "Who have you guys got?" he questioned fiercely, the angry enquiry directed at both Pein and Konan. "I bet you saved the best for yourselves."

"Speak with a little more respect Hidan," Pein scolded. "I have taken the two jinchuriki's as I am the only one that can be trusted with them."

Hidan glowered at him and then looked to Konan. "And you?" he pressed.

Konan raised the two pictures, before her, upwards so everyone could see. The first of her students was an intelligent looking boy with pale eyes, his hair tied back in a long, loose ponytail. The other one had Hidan laughing once more.

"L…look at that one!" he screeched, gesturing at Choji –the other student Konan had been assigned-. "He looks like he's swallowed a whole barrel or something!"

"Hidan." Pein muttered sharply. "Drop the attitude. We need to get along with these people."

Hidan and Deidara (who had been chuckling along quietly) quickly silenced themselves, but not for long. In Hidan's case anyway, as the Jashinist leant forward and cocked his head to the side at the picture of Konan's other student.

"Well, the other one's quite hot I guess," he reasoned, gazing at Neji's picture. "A bit freaky and stern looking, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed."

Konan placed the photographs on the table and levelled her eyes with Hidan's. "That's a boy." she replied plainly.

Hidan recoiled in horror as the rest of the Akatsuki began laughing at him.

"You're telling me that chick isn't a chick?" he questioned, his voice high. He picked up his picture of Ino and sent it fluttering away. "Then what's this picture of? A fucking tortoise?" and then the silver-haired man descended into a huff, crossing his arms on the table and ducking his head, muttering curses quietly to himself.

"I'm sure this is going to go well." Konan commented dryly.

"Hm," Kakuzu murmured. "When do we have to meet these brats?"

"In around a week." Konan answered, her gaze fixed on her two new students, her gaze concentrated, as if she was trying to work out the two boys' personalities simply from their photographs.

"And what are we supposed to be teaching these runts, hm?" Deidara put in, leaning forward to look at Pein.

Pein levelled his gaze with Deidara's and then shrugged. "Tsunade didn't specify. You can teach them whatever you like-"

Hidan's head shot up and he gazed at Pein excitedly. Pein looked over at him. "**Not** that." he shot his fellow Akatsuki member down.

"I despise youngsters," Sasori muttered gruffly. "They always think they know best."

"Sasori, my man!" Deidara exclaimed clapping an arm around his partner's shoulder. "You're starting to sound like a tired old man!"

"Sasori has a point," Kakuzu put in. "I'm willing to bet that this bunch of 'ninja' are going to be a bunch of tiresome know-it-alls."

"That may be so," Pein agreed steadily. "But we must be patient with them."

"Patience is a fucking virtue." Hidan put in, tapping his picture of Shino from finger to finger.

"That some of us don't have." Konan added, resulting in Hidan shooting her a death glare.

"Look," Pein began tiredly. "This won't be for long. All we need to do is gain their trust and then we'll have two jinchuriki's."

"I get that," Sasori said. "But do we **really** have to train the others? Why not just train the jinchuriki's?"

"To avoid suspicion," Pein replied. "If we agreed to only train the two jinchuriki's that would most definitely raise Tsunade's hackles. No, it's much more profitable if we-"

"Hang about!" Hidan exploded.

Pein sighed heavily and turned his head slowly to look at Hidan. The purple-haired sadist was staring angrily down at Kisame's picture.

"How come Kisame only has to deal with one brat?" he demanded.

"Hidan." Pein growled. "Silence yourself."

Hidan slumped back onto the table grumbling moodily as Itachi slowly raised his hand.

"Yes Itachi?" Pein nodded at the Uchiha.

"It's not that I don't desire a family reunion," Itachi murmured. "But I must inform you of that fact that my little brother will undoubtedly try to kill me upon our meeting."

"And I thought I had family issues." Hidan whispered to Kakuzu, who smirked in response.

"Yes," Pein inclined his head at Itachi. "But I'm sure you can deal with him. He is after all nowhere near powerful enough to challenge you. Not yet."

Itachi didn't reply and simply let his eyes return to the picture of his little brother.

"Well..." Kisame murmured, looking at his partner. "At least we can be assured this will be interesting..."

* * *

><p>"We're <strong>what<strong>?"

"Do I really have to repeat myself?" Tsunade sighed. "You have all been assigned to a member of the Akatsuki. They've agreed to refrain from attempting to kill you if you also resist. The Akatsuki have been causing lots of waves recently, I think this is a good way of understanding their operations. Of getting into their heads,"

The young ninja before her looked, quite frankly, stunned and, Tsunade couldn't help but note, more than a few of them looked a little scared.

"Look, you won't be alone-"

"I am!" Kiba interrupted. "I'm the only student assigned to this...Kisame guy!"

Tsunade's eyebrow twitched at the Inuzuka's boy rudeness, but she calmed herself. Reminding herself that the youngster was most likely simply just worried about the prospect of being alone in the presence of an S-Rank criminal. Ok...even the Hokage had to admit that sounded crazy.

"You'll all be wired. So you'll all have a means of communication with the Jounin of our village. If things sound like their getting **too** crazy, they'll intervene,"

There were sighs of relief amongst the majority of the ninja before her.

"**However**, these **are** the Akatsuki and so some atrocious behaviour is to be expected. You, as ninja, are expected to understand where the line is and when you need to stop the Akatsuki doing whatever they plan on doing to 'train' you."

"Mistress Tsunade," Sakura began. "I see that I...I've been put in a group with Sasuke..."

Naruto's mouth gaped open and he turned to look at the Hokage. "Granny Tsunade, **Sasuke**? Do we know where he is?"

Tsunade sighed at the hopefulness in the boy's –and indeed Sakura's- eyes and then shook her head. "No...but Orochimaru has agreed to allowing Sasuke to train with the Akatsuki and...with you, Sakura. If you feel like you must, then you may try and find out where Sasuke is stationed and you can even try to work on convincing him to come back to the village."

Sakura nodded breathlessly, her eyes wide.

"When...when do we have to meet these...people?" Hinata piped up, her facial expression even more worried than usual.

"In around a week," Tsunade answered. "Ready yourselves." and then the Hokage left, Jiraiya at her side.

"Worried?" the sage pressed as the two clopped away.

Tsunade threw Jiraiya a side-long look and then sighed. "You can't even imagine." she groaned.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: <strong>__So den! I has a new fic out! Unlike my others, this is not an Au. Rather, it is an AR. It's crackilicious for sure. And I'm hoping we can have some fun times. I hope you enjoyed this, and I just want to emphasise: Try not to take it too seriously because, trust me, I know that there are hundreds of problems we could pick up on, but, hey! That's the thing with crack isn't it? We can just have fun! Hope you liked it so far :D _


	2. Chapter 2

Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 2

"There they go," Shizune reported, leaning over the railings as she watched a large group of young ninja slowly trod their way out of Konoha. "Off to their deaths,"

Tsunade didn't reply, instead rolling her eyes at her assistant's nervousness. Shizune turned to the older woman, her eyes eager.

"You can still tell them to turn back now, you know. There's still hope."

"Be quiet Shizune," Tsunade retorted. "They'll be fine."

"They're going to die," Shizune replied stubbornly.

"They'll be **fine**," Tsunade repeated.

"They're going to die."

"They'll. Be. **Fine**."

"Death."

"Good health."

"Death."

"**Good health**."

"Death and destruction and worms eating their-"

"**Shizune**."

"Sorry."

* * *

><p>"Deidara how much time are you planning on spending on your hair? They're just a load of kids you know. We're not going to a pageant."<p>

"Shut up hm!" Deidara retorted angrily to his partner, from behind the bathroom door, as he brushed furiously at his fringe.

"Does Deidara have any hot students?" Hidan asked with interest.

Sasori looked over to Hidan, frowning slightly in annoyance. "I fail to see how that is of any importance," he replied slowly.

"I was just asking!" Hidan retorted. "Jashin's sake," he added moodily before kicking a pebble.

There was a short silence -which was only interrupted by Deidara yelling loudly at Sasori to shut up after his red-headed partner rapped on the bathroom door once or twice- and then Hidan looked up to Kakuzu who was glowering off into the distance, his arms crossed.

"Kakuzu? Did you happen to notice if Deidara has any hot students?" the Jashinist enquired sweetly, peering up at his older partner demurely.

Kakuzu's glare intensified. "What relevance is that to the task at hand?" he replied coldly before swiftly marching away.

"Oh c'mon Kuzu you know you're my one and only!" Hidan whined as he trailed after his partner.

"Sometimes I think about mixing up the partnerships," Pein whispered to Konan as the two of them watched this exchange.

"Maybe we should just leave without Deidara," Sasori suggested as he wandered over to the Akatsuki leader. "As he's apparently planning on taking **forever**," the puppet master made sure to say this last part extra loud just to make sure his explosive partner could hear him.

A chorus of swear words from within the bathroom signified to the rest of the Akatsuki that Deidara had, indeed, heard his partner's words.

"Sasori has a point," Kisame reasoned after Deidara's curses had died down. "That stupid pyromaniac is taking longer than usual with his girly morning routine."

Pein sighed and rubbed at his brow before looking to Konan for assistance. Konan slipped him a glance and then shrugged.

"All I'll say is, he's taking longer than I did," she said quietly.

Pein nodded and then looked back to Kisame. "Do what you need to do," he stated, before extending his hands to the door, inviting Kisame to try his strength.

Kisame chuckled evilly before slowly unsheathing Samehada, just in time for Deidara to open the bathroom door, a happy smile on his face. The rest of the Akatsuki groaned and Kisame looked extremely put out as he placed his sword back onto his back.

"Ah, Deidara, you're…ready," Pein stated with a relieved smile.

"Nope!" Deidara replied. "I've just got to go get some-"

"No," Pein cut him off bluntly. "You're ready."

"But I-" Deidara went to speak, but he silenced himself when he saw the look on his leader's face. The blonde sighed sadly before nodding his head. "Yeah, you're right. I'm ready."

"Fucking finally," Hidan put in.

Deidara threw him a glare and then the Akatsuki set off to their meeting places.

* * *

><p>Hinata and Tenten stood nervously in a random clearing in the middle of some random woods. To say the two girls were scared was an understatement –though Tenten was trying her best not to show it-. Hinata, on the other hand, was a quivering mess; jumping at every sound and squealing whenever a cloud went over the sun.<p>

"Hinata, it'll be ok," Tenten tried to reassure her younger counterpart as the Hyuga squealed loudly at the sound of a cracking branch.

"Will it?"

At the sound of a gravelly male voice, both Tenten and Hinata froze. Hinata went a distinct green looking colour and Tenten was immobile. Neither girl turned around; too frightened to face whomever the voice belonged to. The silence in the clearing went on for a while and then Kakuzu sighed.

"I'm not really happy to be doing this either you know," he growled. "But the least you could do is look at me,"

Hinata and Tenten didn't move and there was another short while of silence before Hinata suddenly fell to the ground, clearly fainting in fright. Tenten let out a short scream of terror, but didn't move. Kakuzu let out another sigh –this time of frustration- and then walked over to the frozen Hyuga girl. This was going to be pure hell…he could tell.

* * *

><p>Hidan sighed as he watched a cloud drift over the sun. Everyone else had gone to meet their students, but apparently his 'students' were smartasses who clearly thought making an S-Rank criminal wait was a clever idea. Hidan hated them already. In fact, the very word 'students' made the Jashinist want to gag. Pulling a face, the man sat himself down against a large rock and closed his eyes. Pein had got them up at a ridiculous time this morning, may as well make up for the lack of sleep.<p>

* * *

><p>Sasori paced back and forth in irritation; if there was one thing he hated more than Deidara, it was waiting and right now his stupid students were making him wait. A <strong>long<strong> time. They were more than an half an hour late. In what world was that ok? What happened to general politeness? Apparently it had all but disappeared since the man had joined the Akatsuki. Sasori was just about to give up and walk back to the base when suddenly a guy dressed as a cat entered the clearing, dragging with him another ninja; his hair up in a high ponytail.

"Um…hey," Cat-Guy greeted.

"You're late," Sasori returned rudely, his eyebrows raised as he took in the two young ninja before him. "And what's wrong with him?" he nodded at the ninja Cat-Guy was holding. The boy looked out cold.

"Uh yeah, sorry about that," Cat-Guy apologised. "Um, Shikamaru's just…asleep."

There was a short silence as Sasori processed this, and then the puppet master spoke. "…asleep?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Tired I guess."

"How did he fall asleep on the journey to get here? Did you not come on foot?" Sasori demanded.

"No, um, yeah we did," Cat-Guy nodded, obviously nervous in the face of an irritated Akatsuki member. "But Shikamaru asked to take a break and then he…he fell asleep."

"Why haven't you woke him up?" Sasori asked.

There was another silence and a breeze past through the clearing as Cat-Guy itched at his hair, underneath his cat hat.

"I…um…I don't know," he admitted.

There was yet another silence and Sasori had to stop himself from exploding with anger. "Wake him up!" he instructed sharply.

"Oh, oh yeah!" Cat-Guy agreed before shaking furiously at Shikamaru.

Sasori pinched the bridge of his nose, **hard**.

* * *

><p>"As you know, your Hokage has asked us Akatsuki to teach you a few things," Pein announced grandly. "So that's what I'll be doing today. Before we start, does anyone have any questions?"<p>

The two young ninja in front of him didn't reply. The Kazekage of the Sand Village simply stared at him, his pupiless green eyes boring into the Akatsuki leader, while the Kyubi child was gazing at Pein with a suspicious glare on his face, one of his hands clutching onto a kunai at his side. It was quite unnerving actually. Pein could handle anything the Akatsuki threw at him, but the sight of two young teenagers simply **staring **at him was making him nervous. It wasn't that Pein didn't think he could take these two youngsters on in a fight. He knew he could beat them when the time came for that…it was just…Pein didn't even know **what **was bothering him; these kids were just creepy.

After the silence, the pierced man coughed a little. "…right," he murmured.

* * *

><p>"Neji, what does this have to do with ninja training?" Choji hissed at his fellow leaf ninja as the two of them looked up at Konan, the Akatsuki member who had been assigned to them.<p>

Neji simply shook his head in reply.

"See? It's actually quite easy when you get the hang of it," Konan declared happily. "How are yours coming along?"

Neji and Choji held up their half knitted scarves for inspection and Konan smiled.

"They're great! You guys are really good at this!" she announced before returning to knitting her own scarf.

The two ninja before her exchanged a glance before shrugging. At least she wasn't trying to kill them.

* * *

><p>Temari sighed heavily as, once again, the sun ducked behind a cloud.<p>

"How long is this guy planning on taking?" she demanded moodily.

"I. Do. Not. Know!" Rock-Lee replied, in-between punching at a rock. "Guy-Sensei always told me, lateness is the curse of a terrible ninja!"

"…right," Temari responded before rolling her eyes. Just her luck to be stuck with a crazy one. The rest of the sand ninja's thoughts were interrupted by a huge explosion.

"Outta the way!" she yelled to Rock-Lee as she jumped backwards.

Dirt and bark flew everywhere as a magnificent booming sound filled the area. Temari covered her eyes with her arm as debris flew towards her. It was a long time before the explosion died down and Temari's ears were still ringing even as a figure became evident, standing in the middle of the crater which had just been created by the explosion.

_Who's this jerk? _the girl wondered moodily to herself.

"Art is an explosion!" the blonde announced proudly before putting his hands on his hips and grinning. "And that's what I call an entrance!"

_Oh Lord, is this our teacher? _Temari demanded in a panicky fashion. The girl looked over at Rock-Lee hoping the boy would sympathise with her, but the bushy-browed ninja was not looking at her. He was looking at the Akatsuki member before them. His eyes shining, his hands balled into fists and his mouth open wide in amazement.

"That was amazing!" he exclaimed.

Temari couldn't help but face palm herself. She was going to have a whale of a time…that was for sure.

* * *

><p>"H…hello, are you Itachi Uchiha?"<p>

Itachi opened his eyes slowly to see a slim, pink-haired girl gazing at him nervously. She stood a few feet away, rightfully wary. However, Itachi reasoned, there was no reason to be wary; he was not going to attack her, he was her teacher for the next few weeks. The Uchiha smiled pleasantly, attempting to set a relaxed tone.

"Yes I am," he nodded. "You must be Sakura Haruno. I've heard you have great ability and that you know my younger brother…who is about to attack me right about…now," the older Uchiha dodged out of the way, just in time for Sasuke to come flying to the ground, his chakra sword unsheathed.

Sasuke was stronger…much stronger, but he wasn't quite ready to take on his older brother…not yet anyway.

"Sasuke!" Sakura exclaimed, staring at him wide-eyed.

Sasuke ignored his old friend and began launching a vicious attack on Itachi who sighed as he dodged his way out of the blows.

"Sasuke," he began slowly. "We're not here to fight, I'm here to teach yo-" Itachi was cut off when he was forced to, once again, jump out of the way of one of Sasuke's attacks.

"Sasuke!" Sakura repeated.

Suddenly Itachi disappeared from view. Sasuke leapt to the ground, his head snapping around furiously as her searched for his vilified older brother. Sakura glanced around too, wondering where their new teacher had gone.

"Need I remind you Sasuke," Itachi's voice suddenly rang out causing Sasuke to flinch and then increase the fervor of his search. "That we are not alone. We have company. The least you could do is say hello."

Sasuke stopped still and, with his fists balled, responded to his older brother. "The only thing I want to do is kill you!" he yelled.

"Well, I'm not showing myself until you show some courtesy to your young friend over there," Itachi replied, his tone casual.

Sasuke growled lowly to himself, but then turned to look at Sakura. "…hey," he greeted moodily.

"Sasuke!" Sakura replied. "Please come back to the village!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Now's not the time Sakura," he sighed.

"My little brother is right," Itachi claimed, suddenly appearing behind Sakura. "Though he put it in a less than desirable way. Sasuke, since when have you been so rude? Clearly Orochimaru has forced some bad habits onto you."

"I hate you!" Sasuke roared back.

"Yes, we know," Itachi nodded. "But, as you said to Sakura, now is not the time. Perhaps we can leave your quest for vengeance behind you? Just for now?"

There was a long silence, filled only by Sasuke's heavy breathing and then the younger Uchiha relented.

"**Fine**," he said moodily. "Fine, fine, whatever. Go ahead, try and 'teach' us."

Itachi smiled gratefully. "Thank you."

"I'm still going to try and kill you occasionally."

"That goes without saying."

* * *

><p>"I wasn't informed about this…'dog'," Kisame commented after a while of staring at his new student's big white dog.<p>

Kiba flicked Akamaru a nervous glance and then coughed awkwardly. "Akamaru comes everywhere with me," he explained. "He's my best pal."

"Is he house trained?" Kisame questioned.

Kiba stalled for a moment and then looked from Akamaru back to Kisame with confused eyes. "Does…does it matter?" he asked. "We're outside…"

Kisame didn't reply and stayed staring down at the dog. "Well…does he have fleas? Does he bite? Does he get on well with other dogs?"

Kiba cocked his head in confusion at the S-Rank criminal before him. "I don't…" the Inuzuka trailed off when he finally cottoned on to the situation. "Kisame-Sensei, are you scared of dogs?"

Kisame's eyes widened a fraction and then he controlled himself. Throwing a harsh glare Kiba's way. "No," he denied vehemently. "And don't call me Sensei, that makes me feel funny."

"I'm sorry Kisame-Sensei," Kiba replied cheekily.

"I **said **don't call me that!" Kisame retorted.

Kiba patted Akamaru on the rump and the dog moved forwards slightly, this had the desired affect; Kisame fell backwards, looking horrified. This reaction elicited a cheeky smile from Kiba. He was going to have a grand old time.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: <strong>So, who's going to be worse? The Akatsuki or the young ninja? Looks like it's going to be a mix. Thank you for all your reviews so far! Stay tuned for the next chapter!_


	3. Chapter 3

Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 3

"Well here we are."

"This is the place?"

"Yup; this is the place."

Hidan wrinkled his brow at the noise, but kept his eyes shut, intent on continuing his nap.

"I wonder where our teacher is."

"I'm not sure; do you think it could be this guy?"

"Him?"

"He **is** wearing an Akatsuki robe."

"True. Are you going to wake him up?"

"Why **me**?"

There was no reply to her question however and, sighing, Ino crouched down near the sleeping Akatsuki member and peered at him.

"How should I do it?" she requested, glancing over at Shino who was watching her blankly.

"Poke him," he suggested.

Ino pulled a face and then looked back to the man before her, shrugging she extended a finger and poked Hidan swiftly in the cheek. The effect was instantaneous.

"**Ow**! What the fuck? Have you midgets never heard of personal space?" Hidan screeched as he leapt up out of his sleeping positon.

Ino and Shino jumped back in fright and stared at him in horror, their eyes wide. Hidan felt a slight thrill of satisfaction at the look of pure terror on their faces, but then he shook his head and glowered hard at them; regaining his self control.

"So you two little shits are my 'students' eh?"

The two leaf ninja nodded, still looking terrified.

"Well, way to make a good first impression assholes," Hidan continued, scratching the back of his head as he took the two of them in. "I'm willing to forget that rude awakening however, so you're lucky."

Both Ino and Shino visibly relaxed and then Ino stepped forward slightly, cautiously; as if she were dealing with a wild animal.

"I'm Ino, sir, and this is Shino," she introduced.

Hidan grinned and looked the blonde girl up and down. "Yeah you are," he agreed.

Ino's brow pulled down in confusion as her face became a mixture of repulsion and puzzlement.

Hidan decided to leave her to her confusion. "Well I'm Hidan," he introduced. "Possibly the most dangerous out of the Akatsuki."

"I've read that Itachi Uchiha is the most dangerous of the Akatsuki," Shino murmured.

Hidan twitched and then turned an angry glare on the boy. "Well then you've read a few too many stupid books, haven't you?" he hissed.

Shino didn't reply, instead opting to stare blankly at him. Hidan shuddered; he hated creepy staring kids. _Time to move this shit along _Hidan decided as Ino and Shino exchanged a glance.

Feeling a renewed sense of enthusiasm, Hidan jumped onto the large rock he had just been sleeping against and gazed down at his students.

"Alright assbuts-"

At this name, both Ino and Shino pulled a face, Hidan ignored these reactions however and persisted.

"-let's get going with some super ninja training!"

Shino raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment. Ino, in contrast, did.

"'Super'?" she repeated, a disbelieving look on her face. "Are you sure you're an Akatsuki member and not a toddler escaped from day care?"

Hidan stared at her for a few seconds, his eye twitching, before he exploded. "Whaaaaaat?" he screeched and then he launched himself at the blonde.

Ino leapt out of the way, into a tree, looking horrified. "What are you **doing**?" she screamed. "You're supposed to be training us! Not trying to kill us!"

Hidan swung around to face her, a devilish smirk on his face. "I'm not trying to kill both of you," he responded sweetly. "I'm only trying to kill **you**!" the Jashinist leapt up towards the tree, reaching for his scythe at the same time.

Ino yelped and quickly disappeared in a puff of smoke, appearing a few trees away. "You're a terrible teacher!" she yelled.

"You're a terrible student you little shit!" Hidan roared back. "You should know better than to cheek your elders!"

"You should know better than to attack your students!" Ino responded.

Shino just watched blankly from the ground.

* * *

><p>"Please don't eat our hearts!"<p>

Kakuzu sighed heavily as Tenten said this. He was currently leaning over Hinata, checking to see if she was ok and Tenten had not stopped with her begging.

"I'm not going to eat your hearts," he replied moodily as he carefully sat Hinata up, resting her back against a tree. Once he was sure she was fine, he looked to Tenten who was staring at him with wide, worried, chocolate brown eyes. "Do I really look that scary?" he requested.

Tenten nodded stiffly.

Kakuzu sighed again and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not going kill you," he reassured her. "At least not yet anyway."

Tenten's squeal was so high that Kakuzu was sure she was communicating to an alien species and then she fainted, hitting the ground hard.

"Maybe we're not quite on the jokey level yet," Kakuzu mused as he looked down at the fainted girl. Then he sighed once more. "I hate teenagers," he groaned.

* * *

><p>"Where are we going?" Kankuro repeated for, what seemed to be, the millionth time as he and Shikamaru tramped after Sasori.<p>

"Shut up," Sasori replied quietly. In all truth, Sasori had no idea where they were going; he had no idea what he was supposed to be teaching these kids, but...exercise was always good right? So a healthy walk through the forest **must** be good.

"How are you moving about in there?"

Sasori stopped short and looked back to Shikamaru who, tiredly, returned his gaze.

"None of your business," the ginger retorted.

"Wait a minute..." Kankuro gasped. "Is that a **puppet**? Oh **man**! That's beautiful craftsmanship! How did you make that? This is amazing!" the sand ninja darted around Sasori, touching various parts of Hiruko and annoying Sasori no end.

"Get away from me," he growled. "That's none of your business. I'm not here to tell you all my secrets."

"Sorry," Kankuro apologised meekly before darting behind Shikamaru and watching Sasori worriedly.

* * *

><p>"Are...are you guys hungry?"<p>

Some time had passed since Pein had been introduced to Naruto and Gaara and no developments had occurred since then; the three of them had simply stayed where they were looking at each other. Eventually, Pein had roused the courage to request whether the two teens were hungering at all.

"No," Gaara replied quietly.

Naruto however, looked a little conflicted; he clearly wanted to continue glowering at Pein, but the boy's stomach growled even as he went to open his mouth. The blond hung his head, looking ashamed.

"I am," he answered.

"Ok then," Pein replied, looking relieved. "I guess we should go to the nearest town and get some food then-"

"You're not going to Konoha!" Naruto yelped, leaping up and pointing a finger into Pein's face.

"I wasn't planning on!" Pein defended, looking stunned. "I just thought we could...go into the nearest...village..."

"Alright then," Naruto affirmed, glowering at Pein suspiciously. "But I'm watching you."

"...ok," Pein murmured.

How had it come to this? Now Pein felt like he was a prisoner of Naruto! He was going to have to regain some control soon, lest he simply let himself be led into prison.

"But..." Pein coughed as he roused some more courage. "I'm leading."

Naruto and Gaara exchanged a look and then Naruto looked back to Pein. "Ok," he nodded. "But no funny business,"

Pein stared at him in confusion.

"Whatta you doin'?" Naruto demanded. "Get a move on! I'm hungry! Believe it!"

"Right," Pein nodded turning around swiftly and beginning to move off. "Sorry," he added meekly over his shoulder.

* * *

><p>"Anyone hungry?" Konan enquired sweetly. "I've made cupcakes!" the blue haired woman whipped out a batch of cupcakes and offered them to Neji and Choji.<p>

Neji and Choji exchanged a look and then slowly extended their hands to take a cupcake.

* * *

><p>"I..." Deidara paused for dramatic effect. "...am Deidara! And I am your new sensei yeah!"<p>

"How did you explode the ground like that sensei?" Rock-Lee enquired excitedly, leaning forward.

"It's called exploding clay yeah!" Deidara explained, grandly displaying some of the said clay. "It's an art really."

"Blowing things up is an art?" Temari asked sceptically.

Deidara looked at her. "...yes," he answered, obviously not in the mood for questions.

"Care to explain how?" Temari questioned.

Deidara dropped his arms down and cast the blonde girl a disparaging glare. "If you don't get it," he replied patronisingly. "Then I'm not about to explain it. **Hm**," the Akatsuki member turned to look at Rock-Lee, a smile on his face. "Now this guy, he gets it."

Rock-Lee let out a yelp of happiness.

"Want to go fly around for a bit while I explain true art to you?" Deidara enquired.

"Yes! Oh yes please sensei!" Rock-Lee gushed.

Temari promptly face-palmed herself.

* * *

><p>"Now," Itachi began calmly. "I feel that the first thing we should do, before we get started on any training, is introduce ourselves. We must first feel comfortable with each other, <strong>then <strong>we can start training. So...Sakura, would you like to start?"

Sakura nodded quietly. "Well, um, I'm Sakura."

"Hello Sakura," Itachi nodded.

Sasuke didn't reply as he was too busy glaring daggers at his older brother, Itachi noticed this and turned to look at his little brother.

"Sasuke," he said scathingly. "Say hello to Sakura."

Sasuke's glare intensified and he slowly tore his gaze away from Itachi. "Hello Sakura," he said moodily before looking back at Itachi angrily.

Itachi returned this glare with a happy smile. "See? It's not hard to be civil is it?"

"Yes it is!" Sasuke roared, getting to his feet. "I'm having a **very** hard time resisting ripping your head off!"

"Sasuke, you and I both know you wouldn't be capable of ripping my head off," Itachi said calmly.

"You killed our whole family!" Sasuke screeched.

"If I remember correctly," Itachi replied. "It was Sakura's turn to talk...not yours,"

Sasuke grumbled moodily to himself and sat down, crossing his arms and falling into a huff.

"Here you are Sakura," Itachi took a tiny pink toy elephant out of his robes and handed it to the pink-haired girl. "Whoever's holding this is allowed to talk; everyone else-" the older Uchiha looked at Sasuke pointedly who met his gaze and then looked away. "-must remain quiet. Now Sakura, would you like to continue?"

Sakura glanced around unsurely before opening her mouth.

* * *

><p>"So, what are we doing then Kisame-Sensei?"<p>

"**Stop** calling me-" Kisame cut himself off and glanced at Akamaru who panted heavily and cocked his head at him.

Kiba patted his dog and grinned. "Cuz I was thinking we could go head to town for some food. Your treat?"

Kisame stared at the boy angrily, but Kiba simply smiled widely back.

"...where do you want to go?" Kisame asked eventually, sounding defeated.

"I think me and Akamaru are feeling some ice cream! Aren't we boy?"

Akamaru woofed loudly, resulting in Kisame falling back onto his backside as he screeched in horror.

"Don't **do** that!" he ordered as he got back up.

Kiba didn't reply; he was laughing too hard.


	4. Chapter 4

Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 4

"Ok…Ok I'm getting a little worn out now Hidan."

"Nah, you can take it right? That's the impression I got when you opened that whore mouth of yours."

"No, I'm tired, please…please stop."

Shino sighed and rolled his eyes. The bug boy was currently leaning back against a rock, watching as his new Sensei and his new –temporary- team mate chased each other round and round the clearing they were currently stationed in. The two of them had not let up for at least an hour now and it was getting tiring –and irritating- to watch.

"I'm not forcing you to run away little lady," Hidan cooed as he leapt from tree branch to tree branch, his scythe swinging in one hand. "You made that decision all on your own."

"How come you're not showing any signs of exhaustion?" Shino asked from the ground, he flicked a glance Ino's way. "Ino looks absolutely exhausted, but you look fine."

Hidan stopped short and looked down at his student before putting his hands on his hips and grinning proudly. "I'm immortal motherfucker! I only sleep when I want to, not because I have to!"

Ino stopped short and raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? So the world is doomed with you forever?"

Hidan growled at her and launched himself towards her; Ino leapt efficiently out of the way and then cocked her head.

"But, seriously…could you teach us how to become immortal?"

"I do not think that's a-" Shino was interrupted by Ino putting her hand up to silence him, she gazed intently at Hidan.

The Akatsuki member had stopped short and was now looking at her a strange look in his eyes.

"To become immortal you'd have to become a Jashinist…and that's only the first step," he announced after a while of silence.

"A Jashinist?" Shino repeated.

"I.e. the best motherfucking religion in the world," Hidan affirmed. "So…whaddya think gals? Wanna become immortal?"

Shino and Ino glanced at each other, Shino with a reserved look in his eye, hidden behind his glasses and Ino with an excited gaze.

* * *

><p>Kakuzu glanced up at the sky and sighed, wondering how his partner was getting on with his couple of brats. The stitched man flicked a glare over at his…students, both of them were currently incapacitated; stone cold out of it. Kakuzu had decided to tie them to a tree with wire because at least that way they wouldn't try to escape. He'd resolved to simply sit there for the duration of time he was supposed to be teaching them…if they were going to insist on screaming and begging for their lives then he wasn't going to bother with even <strong>attempting <strong>to teach them.

As he glowered at them, one of the girls slowly came to; it was Hinata. The Hyuga slowly opened her eyes, glancing around the clearing. She struggled to move and then froze in horror once she realised she couldn't, that there were wires entrapping her. The girl's frightened eyes slid to the side and came to a rest on Kakuzu who was sitting on a tree, opposite the girls- twirling a kunai.

"What…what're you going to do to us?" she asked, her tiny voice becoming even meeker than usual.

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed; why were these girls so suspicious? What sort of people had they met? Did they hang out, on a regular, with rapists or murderers? Not **every **criminal was a psycho. The Akatsuki member sighed.

"I'm not going to do anything," he assured her. "My intention wasn't to scare you in the first place, but we've obviously got off to a bad start in that regard," the man motioned to the wire. "The wire was to keep you in place and make sure you didn't just go off running into the woods. There're bandits out there."

Tenten, who had woken up during Kakuzu's speech, cocked her head. "So…you're just doing this to protect us?"

Kakuzu glanced off to the side and began fiddling with his kunai a bit more furiously. "…maybe," he murmured.

Hinata and Tenten shared a look and then Hinata spoke up, her innocent eyes wide. "Well…sir, we…we won't run away now. We promise."

Kakuzu glanced over at them; both girls looked back at him, huge innocent smiles plastered onto their faces. The man coughed gruffly and then jumped down from his tree. "O…okay," he concurred and then set to work untying them.

Once untied both girls leapt at Kakuzu, wrapping their arms around him and embracing him into a bone-crushing hug.

"We're sorry we made you feel bad," Tenten exclaimed.

"Yes Sensei, we were wrong to judge you so quickly," Hinata agreed.

Kakuzu didn't reply; he couldn't. The man just stood stock still, frozen in shock at the two teenage girls squeezed him tight.

* * *

><p>"So there's word around the village that you've been spotted with Temari quite a few times."<p>

Sasori growled lowly to himself and rubbed the bridge of his nose as Kankuro started up again. The boy could just not be quiet. For him, silence involved whistling, humming, singing and, the best of them all, talking loudly.

"Yeah, the Hokage asks me to escort her around the village whenever she's there," Shikamaru replied, his tone bored; though he couldn't have missed the slightly menacing tone in Kankuro's voice.

"Yeah, well, the rumours going around my village aren't half as innocent as that," the sand ninja retorted.

"What are you getting at Kankuro?" Shikamaru drawled, looking up at the sky.

"I think you know what I'm getting at," Kankuro hissed angrily.

"Do I?"

"Yes."

"Ok then."

"Answer the question then!"

"What question?"

"The…the **question**!"

"I wasn't aware that a question was asked."

"Stop talking!" Sasori suddenly exploded, he whipped round, turning to glower at Kankuro.

Kankuro stared back at him, looking shocked, but then his face dropped and he resumed plodding along behind the puppet man as Sasori turned away from them and continued marching. There was silence for a while and then Sasori noticed that Kankuro had turned up next to him.

"Sasori," the sand sibling whispered urgently. "**Sasori**,"

"What?" Sasori hissed back, unsure as to why he was whispering. "You're right next to me. I can hear you."

"Do you think Shikamaru's…" the other puppeteer was clearly struggling for the right word. "…'fornicated' with my sister?"

Sasori didn't reply he just mentally cursed his luck for being gifted with this bone-head as his student.

* * *

><p>"Not here."<p>

"But I thought you said you were hungry!"

"I am, but since you're paying I decided we better make the most of it…Ah! Here we are!" Naruto marched into the front and lead Pein and Gaara into one of the most expensive restaurants Pein had ever seen. It looked out of place in the tiny –shabby- village they had just entered.

"Hello sir," a waiter swooped in on the trio, greeting Naruto with age old politeness and charisma. "Are you awaiting a table?"

"That's right!" Naruto agreed, flashing a happy grin over his shoulder at Pein. "A table for three! And before we even sit down, bring us your finest bottle of wine!"

Pein visibly gulped and his hand crept to his wallet.

* * *

><p>"Oh, you both look so cute!"<p>

Neji and Choji were both kitted out in knitted black onesies, the Akatsuki symbol stitched all over in the same style as Konan's cloak.

"You're like honorary Akatsuki!" Konan continued.

Neji and Choji glanced at each other.

"_Better than being killed_," Choji mouthed.

Neji shrugged in acknowledgement. Though he was starting to wonder whether Konan was a **different **kind of psycho.

* * *

><p>Temari kicked a pebble in irritation before sighing huffily and crossing her arms. Where on Earth <strong>were <strong>they? Deidara and Rock-Lee had been gone for up to nearly two hours now. The Sand ninja dreaded to think what the pair were doing.

"Temari!"

At the sound of her name, Temari looked up only to see Rock-Lee and Deidara flying towards her on Deidara's giant bird. They came to a stop just above her, kept aloft by the clay bird's giant wings.

"Temari! Deidara has gifted me with an Akatsuki cloak!" Rock-Lee exclaimed, he did a twirl on the bird and Temari held back a grimace as she watched Rock-Lee's new cloak spin out.

"He told me to get you one too," Deidara said, he took a cloak out from behind his back, but glanced to the side, pouting. "Though I told him you'd probably reject it hm."

Temari looked up at them defiantly for a few seconds and then sighed heavily. Wasn't the old saying 'if you can't beat them, join them?'

"That's…that's really great Deidara, thanks," she called up.

Deidara's eyes widened and he looked down at Temari as Rock-Lee whooped excitedly.

"Temari has agreed to join our new squad!" he celebrated.

* * *

><p>"So Sasuke, to conclude, you despise me, would like to make me die, you enjoy hating me, your hobbies are hating me and your favourite food is tomatoes. Is that right?"<p>

Sasuke didn't open his mouth, but instead resolved to nod moodily.

"And Sakura, you miss Sasuke, would like Sasuke to come back, you enjoy being in Sasuke's company, your hobbies are trying to convince Sasuke to come back and your favourite food is dumplings. Right?"

"That's right Sensei," Sakura affirmed before glancing over at Sasuke nervously.

"Well…" Itachi sat back and crossed his arms. "I think you two may need a few more hobbies,"

The pair in front of him remained silent.

"That was a joke," Itachi murmured after a while.

"Yeah. We got it," Sasuke retorted moodily. "It just wasn't very **funny**!"

"Sasuke, you are behaving like a petulant child," Itachi replied scathingly.

"YOU DESTROYED MY CHILDHOOD!" Sasuke roared back.

Itachi chose to ignore this and, instead, turned a delightful smile onto Sakura. "Sakura, I think it's high time we went for lunch, don't you?"

"That'd…that'd be nice," Sakura agreed meekly, she flicked a glance at Sasuke which Itachi did not miss.

"Do not worry about my brother, he will be along shortly," the older Uchiha reassured the girl.

Sakura nodded and then began trotting along beside Itachi.

* * *

><p>"Carrying…you…wasn't part of the deal…" Kisame puffed angrily as he treaded along a long dusty road, on the search for ice cream.<p>

"Oh come on, you're big guy! I can't be that much of a struggle to carry!" Kiba replied jovially.

"I'm carrying this stupid hound as well!" Kisame roared back.

Yes, Kisame was being burdened with both Kiba and Akamaru. Akamaru was on Kisame's shoulders, a heavy burden at the best of times, but with Kiba on top…Kisame's back felt like it was about to break.

Akamaru growled lowly at being called stupid and Kiba tutted.

"Uhuh Kisame Sensei! I don't think Akamaru takes to well to being called stupid!"

There was silence for a while and Kisame stared moodily at the ground, but eventually, his fear got the better of him.

"…sorry Akamaru," he murmured.

"There ya go!" Kiba declared.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN<strong>__: Oh my God, I'm so sorry for being away for so long! I genuinely have no excuse! Well, I'm back now, and I hope you enjoyed that chapter! _


	5. Chapter 5

Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 5

They had accepted Hidan's offer. Well, **Ino **had accepted Hidan's offer. Shino hadn't really had a say in it to be quite honest.

Hidan, now, was sitting back regarding his students with a large grin and a devilish glint in his eye.

"So you guys want to become Jashinist's-"

"We want to become immortal!" Ino interrupted excitedly.

"Yeah you do," Hidan replied, his grin taking on a nasty appearance. "Right, well, first of all, you're going to need the right outfits; Jashinists have a very strict uniform."

"They do?" Ino questioned, blinking at this newfound information.

Hidan nodded grandly, getting to his feet with his hands on his hips.

* * *

><p>"So!" Tenten exclaimed leaping back from her new Sensei, grinning. "What can we do to make up for our horrible behaviour earlier?"<p>

"Make up for it?" Kakuzu repeated, looking dumbfounded. In all his years, he'd never been this confused...and he'd lived a **lot** of years.

"Y...yes Kakuzu Sensei," Hinata intoned, shyly ducking her head as she moved forward. "We made you feel very bad earlier and it wasn't fair of us."

"Exactly!" Tenten nodded, she cocked her head and smiled at the Akatsuki member. "Please tell us you'll accept our apology and allow us to make up for it?"

Kakuzu blinked and then stared at the older of the two girls blankly. "I..." he managed one syllable and then he stopped himself, resorting to simply swill the confusion in his head about.

Suddenly the sound of sniffing hit his ears, even more confused than before Kakuzu looked down to see that Tenten and Hinata were filling up, their eyes brimming with tears. Alarmed, the man took a step back, this turned out to be unwise as, with this movement, the tears began flowing properly.

"Ka...Ka...Kakuzu Sensei hasn't forgiven us," Hinata whimpered.

Tenten nodded along with these words and sniffed heavily.

"I...um..." Kakuzu trailed off; he was honestly at a loss, he had no clue what he was supposed to say.

As the two girls bawled in front of him, Kakuzu realised he was going to have to come to a decision. He coughed slightly, clearing his throat, and then spoke. "Um...ok...no. Don't worry girls, I have...um...forgiven you."

Never had the Akatsuki member ever been so taken aback in all his 91 years. As soon as he had finished speaking, the tears had dissolved, now both girls looked maniacally happy.

"Yay!" Tenten whooped and then both she and Hinata grabbed Kakuzu into a hug again. "What can we do to make it up to you?" she demanded.

"Anything!" Hinata added insistently.

"I..." Kakuzu coughed awkwardly. "I guess you could just make it up to me by being...quiet?" he suggested, unsure as to what the girls were aiming for.

This suggestion resulted in both girls laughing crazily, shocking Kakuzu no end. He really hated teenagers.

"Don't be silly Kuzu!" Tenten cooed.

Kakuzu's brow drooped at this nickname, he frowned behind his mask. _I preferred it when they were calling me sensei _he thought moodily.

"I know what we could do!" Tenten continued as she turned to smile at Hinata. "Let's take Kuzu to a restaurant and pay for his meal!"

Hinata responded to Tenten's cooing with more cooing and the deal was, seemingly, set. Kakuzu had to resist the urge to slap himself in the face. He'd been so stunned by the rapid mood changes that he'd lost control of his 'students'.

* * *

><p>"Where are we going?"<p>

That was the sixty-sixth time that Kankuro had whined out this question and Sasori still didn't reply. The puppet man had decided that he was going to simply ignore his annoying student and just keep walking until the sand ninja got tired...this was taking a long time however, as Kankuro was still as chatty as ever.

"I swear the Akatsuki are weird," the sand sibling was saying now. "Don't you think Shikamaru? Shikamaru, don't you think the Akatsuki are weird?"

"Mm," Shikamaru seemingly had less time for Kankuro than Sasori did and was answering his supposed ally with only bit responses, so as to shut him up.

"They are," Kankuro decided. "Because this guy's just been leading us around and around for ages, and we're going in circles."

Sasori stopped dead, causing Kankuro to bump into him and to trip right up onto the floor.

"Oww-" Kankuro began to complain, but he was interrupted by the Akatsuki member getting right into his face.

"What do you mean we've been going around in circles?" he questioned harshly.

Kankuro rubbed the back of his head and gave Sasori a reproachful look as he answered. "We've been going around in circles for ages now, I thought you knew."

As a matter of fact, Sasori hadn't known that, the puppet man had been working on the assumption that, eventually, they would end up out of the forest; he hadn't ever considered that they might get lost...

The ginger turned to look at Shikamaru who was watching the clouds, a bored expression on his face.

"Is this true?" the Akatsuki member hissed, nodding his head at Kankuro.

"Yes," Shikamaru nodded. "I just figured your plan was to lead us round and round until we were exhausted."

Sasori went quiet...they were lost.

* * *

><p>"And...and let me tell you about taxes!"<p>

Naruto and Gaara sniggered drunkenly as they watched Pein slur his words, leaning over the table as he launched into yet another rant.

As Pein ranted and raved, a waiter approached the table.

"Another bottle of Rosé sir?" he questioned, addressing Naruto.

"Yeah, sure! Why not!" Naruto grinned, waving the waiter away.

Said waiter nodded, flashed Pein a disgusted look and then sauntered off. Naruto and Gaara watched him go before Gaara reached for Pein's wallet.

"How much-" the sand ninja interrupted himself with a hiccup before continuing. "How much is this going to come to Naruto?"

"Hmm," Naruto stroked his chin before glancing down at their table, which was overflowing with empty plates, bowls, glasses and numerous bottles of wine. "I'm not too sure, but hey! Pein's paying. Aren't ya Pein?" Naruto cocked his head and smiled in the direction of where the Akatsuki leader had been. The jinchuriki's face dropped when he realised that Pein was nowhere to be found. "Holy crap," he cursed, jumping up from the table.

"Is something wrong sir?"

Naruto turned to see the waiter looking at him suspiciously, a bottle of wine in his hands. The leaf village ninja smiled sheepishly. "No...no, nothing's wrong. Just...you know..." the blond trailed off before turning to Gaara. "Gaara, could you check Pein's wallet for me?"

Looking bewildered, Gaara slowly extended a hand and reached for Pein's wallet. Naruto watched him wide-eyed, his heart beating in his chest.

Gaara glanced inside the wallet and then his eyes widened, he looked up at Naruto. "There's only 200 Ryo in here," he announced.

The whole atmosphere immediately became tense. Naruto stiffened and kept his eyes on Gaara, aware that the waiter's eyes were now boring into him. Gaara stayed staring at Naruto too, obviously willing his ally to come up with something. The three stayed silent, until Pein appeared wobbling into the scene.

"Hiya guys, what's goin' on!" he shouted loudly, smiling dopily.

"RUUUNNNN!" Naruto screamed suddenly before pushing the waiter to the floor and sprinting out of the restaurant.

Gaara let out a yelp of terror before rushing to grab Pein and following Naruto's example. Pein laughed wildly as he was dragged along.

* * *

><p>"Are you two tired?"<p>

Choji blinked at this question and Neji, instead of answering, glanced up at the sky, noting that it was obviously still only early afternoon.

"It's still daytime," he said, looking at Konan, who was gazing at them expectantly.

"Yes, but you two are still young!" Konan exclaimed. "I think you should go to sleep."

Neji and Choji stared at her unsurely.

"I'm not actually tire-" Choji began, but Konan quickly cut him off.

"I think you should go to sleep," she repeated. She was smiling, but the smile seemed off.

"Rea-" Neji went to ask, but again Konan cut him off.

"Go to sleep," she insisted.

Neji and Choji exchanged a glance of confusion and worry before both boys slowly -and awkwardly- lay down upon the ground.

* * *

><p>"Where're we going?" Temari asked irritably.<p>

The three of them had been flying for a while now and the sand ninja had begun to get fed up of the constant whipping of cold air against her face, despite her main element being wind.

"Deidara Sensei is searching for Sasori!" Rock-Lee reported excitedly, turning away from his new favourite person in the world briefly. "He wants to show him how cool his new students are!"

Temari sighed heavily and leant over the bird's tail, looking down at the ground below, considering jumping. If she leapt off, she **could **simply use her fan to glide down safely.

* * *

><p>"So Sakura, what would you like for lunch?"<p>

Sakura glanced up at Itachi and hummed in thought. "Well, I wouldn't mind a-" the pink-haired girl was cut off when Sasuke came swooping at them from the trees, a kunai aimed at Itachi's head.

Itachi sidestepped his brother neatly before smiling back at Sakura. "Yes?" he prompted.

Since the beginning of their walk, Sasuke had been launching a number of attacks, all aimed towards Itachi. With this current attack failed, Sasuke quickly melted back into the woods surrounding the path, leaving Itachi and Sakura together once more.

"I was going to say I wouldn't mind some dumplings," Sakura confided.

Itachi's smile widened before he quickly jumped out of Sasuke's way, leaving his little brother breathing heavily in a crater of his own creation.

"Well then we'll get some dumplings," the older Uchiha promised.

* * *

><p>"Ooh, your dog is so cute!"<p>

"He's so well behaved!"

"Does your dog want some ice cream?"

Kisame sat slumped in his seat, glowering at Akamaru and Kiba as the two of them soaked up all the attention the all female staff showered them in. He hated dogs and he hated Kiba, that was the conclusion the fish man had came to. He also hated these stupid trilling waitresses.

"Hello sir, are you ready to order?" one arrived next to him, carrying a pencil and a notebook.

"I hate ice cream," Kisame grumbled moodily in reply.

The waitress cocked her head. "What would you like sir?"

"I hate ice cream," Kisame repeated before fixing the waitress with an angry glare.

The waitress squeaked in fear and was about to run away, but Kiba promptly stopped her, coming up behind her and catching her at the elbows.

"Hey, hey!" he cooed. "What's going on here? Kisame Sensei, are you bullying these poor waitresses?"

The waitress risked a glance at Kiba's face, obviously confirmed to herself she liked the look of him, and then buried herself into his chest.

Kisame glowered at Kiba. "No," he replied stonily.

"Aw, but you've upset..." Kiba trailed off and glanced down at the waitress snuggled into him.

She peeped up quickly. "Akemi," she provided.

"Akemi!" Kiba repeated as the woman snuggled herself back into his chest. "We can't have that! I'm sure you want to do something to make up for that, right?" his voice was sympathetic, but the Inuzuka couldn't help grinning, a cheeky glint in his eyes as Akamaru came up next to him.

Kisame stared at him helplessly. "...what do you want me to do?" he croaked.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: <strong>__RIGHT! SO! Sorry for being away for so long! But, I'm actually in the middle of exams exams exams. Shiiiiit. So, I eventually managed to take enough time out to write this! I hope it's ok :\ _


	6. Chapter 6

Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 6

_What is __**wrong**__ with this man? Of course __**I **__get lumbered with the crazy Akatsuki _Shino thought glumly to himself before reaching down, to yank at the hem of the outfit that Hidan had made him put on.

"Come on then!" Hidan's voice suddenly penetrated Shino's moody thoughts. "I want to see!"

Shino didn't move and, from the sounds of it, Ino wasn't planning on coming out either.

"Do you want to be immortal or not shitbags?" Hidan exclaimed.

His question was met by more silence from his two students and he sighed irritably. "Or should I say, 'Do you want to **live **or not?' Come out or I'll drag you out with my scythe."

Shino was well aware that Hidan's threat would not be an empty one. The man had after all spent nearly a whole hour chasing Ino around, intent on killing her. Mournfully, the bug boy twitched at his curtain. Death by scythe or death by humiliation? The leaf ninja glanced at himself in the mirror one more time, told himself it would all be over soon and then stepped out of the dressing room he'd been occupying. The sight of him was immediately met by Hidan's raucous laughter.

"Oh. My. Fucking. Jashin. Up. Above!" he cackled, holding his stomach and wiping at his eyes.

The reason Hidan was laughing so furiously was because he'd forced Shino to dress in a skirt and crop top. The crop top was tight fitting and black, stopping just above the bug boy's belly button. The skirt was red with black lace spitting out from underneath leaving a lot of Shino's legs on show. To say Shino looked funny would probably have been an understatement. The boy didn't react to his new Sensei's reaction, choosing instead to find a happy place in his mind. He started cataloguing bugs in his head, pretending that Hidan's laughter was simply the call of the mighty Buugon bug.

Suddenly, Ino's voice rang through Hidan's laughter, screechy and high with anger.

"I am **not** coming out!" she yelled angrily. "This is outrageous! This is harassment!"

Hidan stopped laughing immediately. "Is it fuck!" he protested back. "Come out here now! I'm your Sensei!"

"You're a pervert!" Ino quickly retorted. "No way am I coming out!"

"You bloody well are!" Hidan responded, his voice like thunder.

"I am no-" Ino's reply was cut off when Hidan stomped over and pulled the curtain away, literally yanking the red material off the hook.

Shino looked over to see Ino dressed in the exact same outfit as him, except she looked phenomenal. The skirt showed just enough of her lean, long legs; the crop top fit perfectly against her body. Shino glanced away quickly, hoping to maintain his continuous air of calmness while also hoping he wasn't going to get a nosebleed. Hidan, in contrast, made his opinion known loudly and clearly.

"Jashin fucking save me!" he exclaimed. "Hell yeah to having the hot student!" he cheered.

"Are you going to be buying these outfits then sir?" a snooty looking shop assistant approached the Akatsuki member.

Hidan dragged his eyes away from Ino and looked to the assistant. "No," he replied. "We're just going to be taking them if that's ok."

"Taking them? But, I-" the shop assistant's spluttered retort ended when Hidan punched him square in the face.

As the shop assistant fell to the floor, Hidan turned back to his students. "Rule number one of Jashinism; don't take any shit from anyone."

There was silence as Ino and Shino regarded their teacher and then Shino spoke up.

"That's not really a rule of Jashinism is it?"

"No, but it sounded cool as fuck."

* * *

><p>"Kakuzu Sensei?"<p>

Kakuzu held in a groan as, once again, one of his students geared up to ask him a question. They were heading to a restaurant of Tenten's choice and along the way both girls had simply barraged him with questions and compliments; it was **so** tiring. Even so, the older Akatsuki member inclined his head towards Hinata, who was looking up at him with wide eyes.

"Yes Hinata?"

"You have really beautiful eyes," she said before ducking her face behind her hands and going bright red.

Kakuzu held in a groan.

* * *

><p>"So...we're lost? We're lost right?"<p>

"**No**," Sasori retorted sharply to his annoying student. "We have simply been heading in a different direction to what I first thought we were!"

"Isn't that the definition of what lost is?" Shikamaru asked unhelpfully.

Sasori threw an angry glare towards the genius. "...no. Shut up."

* * *

><p>"Where are we going guys? Guys! This is so much fun!"<p>

"Shut **up**," Gaara hissed at the wildly laughing Akatsuki leader as they ran through the streets. "We're trying to avoid some bad people!"

"Bad people?" Pein repeated. "Well hey! I can deal with bad people! Watch this!" the pierced man yanked his hand out of Gaara's and turned to look back at the street they'd just ran through.

"Hey, they've stopped!" came a voice, and suddenly the waiters from the restaurant they had skipped out on came into view, hurtling towards them. "Come here! You owe us a **lot **of money!"

Pein chuckled quietly to himself and then stuck his arms up, palms out, facing the oncoming waiters.

"Pein..." Naruto murmured. "What are you-?"

Naruto's question was cut off when a flurry of wind suddenly exited Pein's hands, flying towards the waiters and destroying countless houses and bits of the road as it barraged away from the Akatsuki leader.

The waiters began screaming in horror as they watched this action take place and they immediately turned and began running for their lives. Naruto, Gaara and Pein watched them run in silence until they became small dots on the horizon and then Pein turned to smile sloppily at the two jinchurikis. Naruto and Gaara simply stared back at him, the expression on their faces stunned. Then, after a while of silence, Naruto spoke.

"**DUDE**!" he exclaimed. "That. Was. **Awesome**."

Pein grinned at him and then the three began laughing wildly.

* * *

><p>"I...I think she's <strong>singing<strong>."

At the sound of Choji's whispered realisation, Neji's eyes widened. The older boy risked a glance over his shoulder and his eyes widened even further, when he saw that Konan was, indeed, singing. She was singing a lullaby as a matter of fact. The Hyuga looked back to Choji with worried eyes, his expression multiplied in Choji's face; the chubby boy looked absolutely horrified.

* * *

><p>"Deidara Sensei is so wise, is he not Temari?" Rock-Lee exclaimed over his shoulder as he, his sand village ally and his new favourite Sensei flew through the sky.<p>

There was no reply.

"Temari?" Rock-Lee tried again.

Once again, no reply. Confused, Rock-Lee turned around...to see that Temari had disappeared from the bird.

"Temari!" he repeated, leaning over the edge of the flying clay animal in an attempt to look for her. "Deidara Sensei," the leaf ninja turned back to Deidara, his eyes wide. "Temari's gone."

"Gone where hm?" Deidara questioned.

Rock-Lee shook his head. "Can we land Deidara Sensei? We must find her!"

Deidara sighed heavily, annoyed that his efforts in searching for Sasori were now in vain. "Fine hm," he relented and then slowly began lowering the bird down towards the ground.

* * *

><p>"Right, so, Sakura you would like dumplings?"<p>

Sakura nodded shyly. "Yes please Itachi Sensei."

Itachi smiled pleasantly at his pink haired student and then turned to look at his little brother, who was sitting on the opposite side of the table, arms crossed, looking as moody as possible.

"And what would you like Sasuke?" the older Uchiha questioned calmly.

"Your head on a pike," Sasuke replied, keeping his eyes fixed upon the place mats on the table.

Itachi didn't reply and when Sasuke looked up, his older brother was staring at him pointedly, one eyebrow raised.

Sasuke flailed slightly in irritation before relenting. "Rice," he grumbled.

"Rice...what?" Itachi prompted.

Sasuke met his eyes, glowering hard at him. Itachi glared back just as hard and eventually he won out as Sasuke slumped further down in his seat.

"Rice...**please**."

* * *

><p>"And did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world? And if you did...was she crying? Crying?"<p>

"Woo! Go Kisame Sensei!"

Kisame tried hard to ignore his stupid little student as he sang the stupid song that stupid Akemi had stupidly requested because she was stupid. In order to 'make up' for hid rudeness, Akemi had asked whether Kisame would be willing to sing a song to the whole restaurant and Kisame -under pain of Akamaru- had been forced to say yes. Now all the waitresses, Kiba, the customers and Akamaru were swaying as Kisame was forced to sing.

Kisame was going to have to get revenge...most definitely.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: <strong>__Ok, I am so sorry for being away for so long, but I was actually in Ghana! On a charity trip with my school. So I genuinely couldn't update. I'm so sorry with how I've been updating this. I promise to improve. I'm on my holiday's now so I should be able to update a lot more frequently :) _


	7. Chapter 7

Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 7

"Are you **ever** going to teach us how to become immortal? Or are you just going to continue going into shops and terrorising everyone around us?"

Hidan rolled his eyes at his blonde student's hissy fit. "Shut **up** bitch," he groaned. "You may be hot, but you're also damn annoying."

Ino let out a hiss of anger and then stomped her foot. "Where are we even going?"

"I **told **you," Hidan retorted, not looking at the leaf ninja. "I want some grub."

"I bet you don't even have any money!" Ino exploded angrily.

"Well duh," Hidan rolled his eyes. "Of course I don't," the silver-haired man turned to Shino, his hand out. "Give me your money bug boy."

Shino sighed heavily and then reached for his wallet (which, embarrassingly enough, happened to be down his top as that was the only place it would stay put, these outfits didn't have pockets after all...just a lot of lace).

"No Shino don't!" Ino roared and then suddenly she barrelled into Hidan, pushing the man to the floor.

The Akatsuki member went flying, face planting right into the linoleum flooring of the mall and Ino, without missing a beat, grabbed Shino's hand and took off running.

"This isn't going to end up well," Shino muttered as they sprinted away from (the now roaring) Hidan.

Ino gritted her teeth. "It never was," she replied.

* * *

><p>"So that's five chocolate ice creams, four stacks of waffles, two milkshakes, a fudge sundae, a banana split and...ten knickerbocker glories..."<p>

Tenten and Hinata nodded happily. The waitress gave them an incredulous look. "And you're **sure **that you two don't want anything? This is all for...him?" she turned to look at Kakuzu, who had his head in his hands.

"Kakuzu Sensei deserves the best!" Tenten exclaimed.

The waitress raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment as she floated away to report their orders.

"Where would you like to go after this Kakuzu Sensei?" Hinata asked, hiding herself partially behind a menu.

_Anywhere away from you guys _Kakuzu thought darkly in his head, he didn't say that though, he had no wish to deal with crying teenagers again. Instead, the oldest Akatsuki member simply shrugged.

"How about..." Tenten shared a glance with Hinata and then looked over at Kakuzu. "The hot springs?"

Kakuzu tensed immediately. "The hot springs?" he repeated.

Hinata and Tenten nodded eagerly.

"I don't know about that..." he trailed off when both Tenten's and Hinata's bottom lips started quivering. "Ugh, ok, fine, good, whatever makes the day go quicker," he amended, before tucking viciously into one of the ice creams that had just been placed down before him.

* * *

><p>"I swear I've seen that tree before."<p>

"All the trees look the same; you couldn't possibly differentiate between them."

"I think we're going in circles."

"I don't care."

Sasori, Kankuro and Shikamaru were not making good progress.

* * *

><p>"It is just fine being rich don't you think?"<p>

"I agree completely old chap, care for another glass of champagne?"

The gentlemen's club in a small village called Meiun was a peaceful place, well established, well-to-do men sat around chatting, smoking and drinking, living the high life.

"WAASSSSAAAAAPPPP?"

The peace was immediately destroyed when a blond boy, a redheaded boy and a ginger headed man with an inordinate amount of piercings smashed through the window and landed on one of the tables.

* * *

><p>"Psst, <strong>psst<strong>."

Choji opened his eyes slowly only to see Neji signalling furiously at him.

"_What_?" the chubby boy whispered back.

"_She's __**asleep**_," Neji hissed before nodding at Konan who was curled into a ball nearby, breathing steadily as she slumbered. "_We should get out of here_."

"_Are we allowed_?" Choji asked quietly.

Neji gave him a hard look. "_I don't care if we're allowed or not, I'm getting out of here_," he whispered back before army crawling away.

Choji risked a glance at Konan before steadily following after his older ally.

* * *

><p>"Where on earth could she be hm?"<p>

"Do you think she has been kidnapped? Oh no!"

"I don't think she's been kidnapped yeah."

Temari held her breath and clung harder to the rock she was currently pressed against. Deidara and Rock-Lee had landed right near where she had landed forcing the sand ninja to run for cover. Just around the corner, the Akatsuki member and his new student were standing in a clearing, glancing around.

"This is stupid hm," Deidara groaned.

"But we must find her!" Rock-Lee replied.

Temari narrowed her eyes in annoyance, why did Rock-Lee have to be so damn persistent?

* * *

><p>The meal was eaten in relative silence, Sasuke ate slowly glowering at his older brother throughout; Sakura ate quickly, glancing in-between each Uchiha brother nervously, as if she was scared they could just erupt into fighting without warning; Itachi ate as if he had no cares in the world, a sort of half smile on his lips.<p>

"So..." he murmured after finishing one portion of his meal. "What's everyone's favourite movie?"

Sasuke broke one of his chopsticks in reply.

* * *

><p>"You're <strong>really <strong>good at singing sir."

"Yeah, you're fantastic!"

"You should go professional you know."

Kisame glowered at the table as a flock of people gathered around him, all praising his 'marvellous singing voice'. Kiba chuckled on the other side of the table before he steadily got to his feet.

"Right, I'm just going to pee," he announced. "Then I think we should have another round of songs!"

Kisame shot him a fake smile and then narrowed his eyes at the brunette teenager as he departed. Akamaru stayed by the table, looking at Kisame with his stupid dog eyes. Kisame glared at the dog for a while before looking back to the table, a bone caught his eye, part of the chicken they had been served, an idea suddenly popped into the shark man's head.

"Hey Akamaru,"

Akamaru looked over at the mist ninja to see him waving an enticing piece of bone around in the air.

"Want this?" Kisame cooed. "Want this Akamaru?"

Akamaru let out a bark of excitement.

"Ok then!" Kisame exclaimed. "Follow me Akamaru, come on!" then the Akatsuki member began leading the dog out of the restaurant.


	8. Chapter 8

Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 8

"ARGH. WHERE. ARE. YOU?"

Ino and Shino flinched as yet another table was sent crashing to the side. The pair of them hadn't managed to get far before Hidan had leapt back up -promising to strangle their mothers in front of them- and given chase. Now the pair of them were crouched under a table in the food court, watching with worried eyes as Hidan rampaged towards them. By now the mall had been evacuated, people running screaming from the area.

"What're we going to do?" Ino hissed as quietly as possible.

Shino shook his head. "I don't know," he returned. "Call for help?"

"We'll be dead by the time help arrives." Ino whispered back.

Shino shut his eyes, well aware that this could quite possibly be the truth. Suddenly he opened them again when he was struck by inspiration.

"I have an idea." He murmured quietly.

"Lay it on me." Ino returned, her eyes focused on Hidan who was now only four tables away.

The man had taken to flipping each table with his scythe, his expression murderous as he did so.

"I don't think you're going to like it," Shino murmured back. "But we need to distract him…and, frankly," the boy glanced back at Ino's legs. "Uh…you're the biggest distraction."

Ino's eyes widened as she realised what the boy was implying. "What?" She hissed. "What are you telling me to do!?"

"Seduce him and then I'll kick him in the face." Shino said seriously.

"**Seduce **him?" Ino whisper shrieked. "I doubt I'll be able to get my head above the table before he rips it off!"

Shino winced. "…Legs first then?"

Ino gave him a long incredulous look and then closed her eyes for a short while. "How do you know this will work?"

Shino leant back and started fiddling with something near Ino's foot. Ino yelped.

"What're you doing!?" She demanded angrily, kicking out at his hand.

"No, no. Ino!" Shino began to protest.

"Get off me you little bug boy shit!"

"I'm trying to do something import-"

"Ooh, you're a little pervert…" Ino trailed off when the table above them was suddenly lifted.

Hidan grinned down at her. "Hello whore." He greeted.

Ino risked a glance to the side and saw, to her dismay, that Shino had done a runner. She looked back up at Hidan who was raising his scythe.

"WAIT!" She yelped.

"Oh I've done enough waiting! I've been wanting to cut your pretty little head off since I first set eyes on ya!" Hidan roared back.

Swiftly Ino rolled out of the way of his crashing scythe and jumped up. "Hidan **wait**!" She yelped.

Hidan turned to her, his gaze maniacal. "No fucking way!" He returned.

Ino jumped out of the way of his next attack. "Sensei! Don't you want to know what **I've **been wanting to do since I first set eyes on **you**?"

This stalled Hidan. "Eh?" He returned.

Catching her breath, Ino managed to place a hand on her hip. A somewhat shaky smirk made its way onto her face. "You're like totally the hottest guy I've ever seen."

It took Hidan a few moments but then he grinned, raising his eyebrows. "Yeah, yeah. I know. It's a shame I have to kill ya, cuz you're a pretty fine piece of work yourself bitch."

Ino glanced down at the ground kicking a piece of rubble before looking back up. "Well…I mean…we could do other things before you killed me?"

Hidan's grin widened. "Yeah? Like wha-" The man was cut off when Shino suddenly came swinging into the scene.

"DEATH TO ALL BUG HATING SCUM IN THIS WORLD!" He yelled and then he kicked Hidan's head off.

Ino let out a scream of horror. "You just killed our Sensei!"

"Ino!" Shino yelled, trying to grab the attention of the girl.

"You kicked his head off! You just straight up punted it! He had a head and now he doesn't. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God." Ino began flapping her arms up and down, spinning in circles of horror. She stopped in her gabbling however when a loud voice cut through her.

"OW. That fucking hurt. You stupid punk kids. As soon as I'm up I'm going to kill the fuck outta you!"

Ino turned to look at where the voice was coming from and then emitted a loud screech as she saw Hidan's head glaring up at her.

"Ino! He's **immortal **remember?" Shino reminded the girl.

As if to prove this point, Hidan's body came racing towards the Kunoichi, swinging the scythe wildly. Ino let out a long loud scream, bracing herself to be hit. But then, suddenly, the girl was pulled up into the air by her ankle. She stopped screaming, looking around in confusion to see a rope tied to her ankle, Shino jumping away, holding onto the other side.

The Leaf Ninjas departed quickly, leaving Hidan's body to flail around uselessly.

"Hey, calm down jerk!" Hidan roared at it. He glanced in the direction his two students had departed in. "Heh. Pretty good."

* * *

><p>"Mm, the water's so good."<p>

"Come into the water Sensei!"

"For the last time, **no**."

Tenten and Hinata pouted in response to their Sensei's refusal, but quickly got over it, grinning as they began splashing each other.

Kakuzu watched them with a bored expression for a while. He had never been so bored in his whole entire life. He grumbled slightly to himself and then padded into the bathing house, wondering if he could at least get some good tea.

"Hello," he said to the now scared looking proprietor of the hot springs. "Do you serve tea here?"

"I, uh…yes." Replied the owner.

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed. "Give me some."

The owner yelped and suddenly produced tea from nowhere, bowing his head as he shoved it upwards to the Akatsuki member. Kakuzu took it from him, bringing it up to his mask to sniff it.

"Hn…thanks." He muttered, beginning to make his way back to the hot springs outside. He walked slowly, dragging his feet, trying to delay the inevitable…that was until he heard something that made his hackles rise.

"Hey! Look at these two sweet things. Hello darlings, what're you doing out here all on your own?"

It was coming from the area he had left Tenten and Hinata. Eyes narrowing, Kakuzu threw his tea to the side, moving forwards discreetly. He glanced outwards- two punk kids were standing by the edge of the spring pool, leering at his students. Both Tenten and Hinata looked uncomfortable, Hinata hiding behind her older friend.

"Wow, look at the knockers on that one!" Said the other kid, pointing at Hinata.

"Why don't you stand up love? Let us see those-AHHHHHHHHH!" The boy's screams soon became choking noises as Kakuzu lifted the pair of teenagers up by their throats, glowering at them both furiously.

"What." He muttered dangerously. "Are you doing?"

The two boys did not reply, they simply spluttered, their words trapped in their throats. Kakuzu dropped them and then grabbed them both by their shirt collars before they could run away.

"I asked you a question." He growled, his nose wrinkling with distaste.

"We didn't mean anything by it!" Yelped one of them. He was in tears and Kakuzu's nose wrinkled even further when he looked down and saw that the poor sap had pissed himself.

"We didn't know they were with you sir! We're sorry!"

Kakuzu snarled at the other boy. "It shouldn't matter whether I'm with them or not," he said lowly. "You should be respectful of young women."

"We're…we're sorry!" Yelped the boy that had peed himself.

"I don't care." Kakuzu replied and then he threw both boys threw the wall.

The owner inside the establishment let a long wailing scream and then fainted.

Kakuzu turned to look at his students. "Are you two ok?" He asked.

Tenten and Hinata were both looking at him with shining eyes, their hands clasped to their chests.

"Kuzu Sensei!" Tenten breathed.

"That was amazing Sensei." Hinata murmured.

"You're the best man in the world ever!" Tenten said.

"I, uh…" Kakuzu's usually tanned coloured skin took on a pinkish glow and he itched his face awkwardly. "It…it was nothing." He muttered lamely.

"We love you Kakuzu Sensei!" Hinata exclaimed.

Kakuzu balked. "No you don't." He returned hurriedly.

"We do!" Hinata replied and Tenten nodded along importantly.

* * *

><p>"I'm so <strong>bored<strong>!" Kankuro whined.

"You've been saying that for the last four hours," Sasori growled. "We **get** it."

"But I'm bored!" Kankuro replied.

Sasori turned on the boy, the tail of his puppet whipping out and pointing into his face. "I swear to God," he hissed. "I **will **kill yo-" the ginger haired male cut himself off when a shadow suddenly passed over the clearing they were in.

Hardly daring to hope, the Akatsuki looked up only to see Deidara's bird fly by.

"Hey what's that?" Kankuro asked, pointing dumbly at the bird flying over them.

"A bird," Shikamaru replied. "Don't tell me you've never seen a bird before."

"Shut up Shikamaru! I've seen plenty of birds, probably more than you!" Kankuro roared back.

Shikamaru stared at him for a short while and then turned on his heel, following after Sasori who had suddenly taken off without a word.

The threesome rushed through the woods, Sasori occasionally looking up at the bird above them, until they arrived in another clearing. Deidara and another boy that Sasori did not recognise were standing together, glancing around dumbly.

"Deidara!" Sasori yelled, hardly able to contain his joy as he ran towards his partner.

"Huh?" Deidara turned around and looked to his friend. A smile appeared on his face. "Sasori my man! How goes the training hm?"

Sasori's brow lowered. "Don't." He muttered. "Don't ask."

Deidara gave him a funny look, about to reply, when Rock Lee suddenly stepped forward.

"Hello!" He greeted loudly. "I am Rock Lee! Any friend of my illustrious Sensei is a friend of mine!" He bowed. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Sasori looked at him and then looked at Deidara. "Who's the kid?" He asked.

"This is my student Rock Lee yeah!" Deidara said enthusiastically. "He loves me hm! Thinks my art is the best thing ever! He's enlightened."

"I can't even be bothered to tell you how wrong you are about your art," Sasori returned. "That's how relieved I am to see you."

Deidara grinned broadly. "I knew you'd miss me hm," he glanced over his friend's shoulder. "Are those your students?"

"Hey!" Kankuro suddenly pointed at Deidara as if only just realising who he was. "You were teaching my sister weren't you?" The boy began looking around frantically. "Where is she? What have you done with her!?"

Deidara placed his hands on his hips, looking aggrieved. "I haven't done anything with her yeah!" He retorted. "Rock Lee and I think she fell off my bird, which is a really stupid thing to do if you ask me."

"Fell off your bird!?" Kankuro nearly ripped his hat off. "Is she **dead**?"

"Have no fear!" Rock Lee suddenly shouted enthusiastically.

The other ninjas in the area looked to him, Kankuro's expression hopeful.

"Gai Sensei gives the most stunning eulogies! Your sister's funeral is in good hands!"

"Noooooo!" Kankuro screamed, falling to his knees and beginning to sob.

Shikamaru sighed and then tapped the boy on the shoulder.

"Get off me!" Kankuro yelped. "My sister is **dead**."

"No. She isn't," Shikamaru grumbled. "If you'd direct your attention over to that giant boulder you'd see that."

Kankuro looked up, his makeup smudged, and gave Shikamaru a confused glance before looking over in the direction the Leaf Ninja was pointing. Temari's fan was hanging out from behind the rock.

"T…Temari?" The boy sniffled.

Temari breathed in deeply through her nose. Great. Now it was these two boneheads, her brother, another Akatsuki member **and **Shikamaru. _Lord give me strength._

* * *

><p>Neji and Choji were halfway through the forest when they heard it. A loud horrific scream of rage.<p>

"Oh God!" Yelped Choji as both he and Neji began running.

"Shut up Choji!" Neji hissed. "Just remain calm and AHHHHHH-" Neji was sent flying away, hitting a tree and spinning into the distance.

"NEJIIIIII!" Choji screeched.

Konan suddenly appeared in front of him, flying backwards, looking like some sort of evil witch.

"I. Made. You. **Cupcakes**!" She roared, sending out a flurry of paper towards Choji.

* * *

><p>"Ok then,"<p>

Itachi, Sasuke and Sakura were now stood in a clearing. Itachi stood in front of them, smiling pleasantly.

"Now that we've gotten to know each other and we've eaten, I would say it's the perfect time to get down to training. Wouldn't you agree?"

Sakura nodded, but Sasuke simply glowered furiously at his brother.

"I thought we could start with some genjutsu," Itachi continued. "Watch this," the man suddenly disappeared into a bunch of squawking crows.

Sakura let out a breath, but Sasuke simply tutted in a bored manner. Itachi appeared behind him.

"Not impressed?" He muttered. "Very well then Sasuke, what would you like to do instead?"

"I'd like to cut you apart." Sasuke retorted.

Itachi was just about to reply, but he silenced himself when Sakura suddenly grabbed his younger brother by the collar.

"Listen here Sasuke Uchiha!" She roared. "It is breaking my heart every single second standing next to you knowing that you're probably not going to be coming back with me to the village afterwards, but you know what? You need to shut up! We're not stuck in this situation, so if you really want to leave then **leave**. You and I both know that you're not going to kill Itachi today, or the next day, or even next freaking week. So peter down and listen to your brother because **I**, for one, would like to listen to him and you at least owe me **that**!"

There was silence.

Itachi watched this with raised eyebrows. Sasuke simply stared at Sakura, his eyes wide. Sakura was breathing heavily, a vein popping in her forehead.

After a few short moments, Sasuke opened his mouth. "Sakura," he murmured, his tone soft.

Sakura's eyes softened in reaction to his voice. "Sasuke?" She croaked.

Sasuke moved his hand up slowly. "Out of the way!" He yelled and the he pushed her aside, hurling a kunai at his brother.

Itachi lifted up a kunai of his own and deflected the attack, sighing softly to himself.

* * *

><p>"Uh, Lady Tsunade?"<p>

Tsunade's heart caught in her throat as she watched Kakashi raise his hand. The Hokage and all the Jōnin were stationed in one of the training rooms, all of them awaiting any calls for help. Now, as Kakashi raised his hand, Tsunade began to worry. Kakashi was connected to both of his former students, Sakura and Naruto. What if something had happened to one of them?

"What is it Kakashi?" The blonde rushed over to the man, Shizune hurrying by her side.

Kakashi turned to look at her. "Well, I feel like I should perhaps go see if Naruto and Gaara are alright."

"Why?" Shizune questioned, her eyes frightened. "Has Naruto called in for help?"

"Uh," Kakashi scratched his head. "Not exactly." And then the man put his wire on loudspeaker.

"_What are you doing!? You can't be in here!" _

"_Woo! Party! Party!" _

There was static and then many screams of grown men. Tsunade and Shizune drew back, giving each other worried looks.

"What on Earth is going on?" The Hokage pressed.

Kakashi shrugged. "I don't know. But that voice talking about 'partying' didn't belong to either Gaara nor Naruto."

Tsunade closed her eyes. "Go." She muttered.

Kakashi nodded and then body flickered, disappearing in a poof of smoke.

"I hate to say I told you so-" Shizune cut herself off when she saw the look Tsunade was giving her. "I mean…I'll go check on the others." The woman scurried off.

* * *

><p>When Kiba returned to the table, Kisame was sitting there, by himself, smiling happily, hands folded.<p>

"Hey Sensei!" Kiba greeted jovially before glancing around. "Where's Akamaru?"

"Hm?" Kisame looked up as if only just now becoming aware of the dog's disappearance. "Oh. He must have wandered off."

"Wandered off?" Kiba's brow furrowed. "Nah, Akamaru doesn't just 'wander off'."

Kisame shrugged. "Well he's not here now." He grinned.

Kiba looked thoughtful. "What could've…" He trailed off then looked up at Kisame worriedly. "You don't think he's hurt do you?"

"Huh?" Kisame replied dumbly.

"Akamaru would never just wander off, he's my best friend. If he's gone…" To Kisame's horror, tears suddenly pricked up in Kiba's eyes. "Something terrible must have happened!"

"What?"

"AKAMARU!" Kiba wailed. "Akamaru where are you boy?" The brunette began trying to whistle, but failed each time, simply spluttering until he burst into tears. "Where's my dooooggggg." He wailed.

Kisame stared at him in horror.

* * *

><p>"<em>I can't say I'm surprised, of course it's Hidan who's fucking everything up." <em>

Zetsu was currently on his way to report Hidan's stupid behaviour to Pein. None of the other Akatsuki had reported in as of yet, but the first person Zetsu had visited had been Hidan…Headless Hidan. Black Zetsu frowned.

"Apparently he's not the only one." White Zetsu returned.

"Party! Party!"

Pein, Naruto and Gaara were dancing on tables in one of the richest men only clubs in town.

"_What the fuck is going on?" _Black Zetsu demanded.

"Party." White Zetsu returned.

"_Shut up_."

* * *

><p><em><strong>An: <strong>LOOK WHAT'S BEEN UPDATED! I doubt anybody will review this as I've been away for so long. I'm so sorry though! My inspiration just dried up, but it's back now ^_^ Hope you enjoyed this chapter!_


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